There are some top notch wedding speech jokes and one-liners flying about for you use and raise a giggle amongst the guests. With wedding one liners covered elsewhere on the site, this article is dedicated to providing you with some of the funniest wedding speech jokes around.
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Wedding Speech Jokes : 'What is Marriage?'
When she was younger, my daughter was struggling to grasp the concept of marriage so I got the wedding album out and showed her the photos. "So do you understand now?" I asked her. "I think so" she said, "So this is when mummy came to work for us?".
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Husband Wanted'
Before I met my partner I tried everything I could to get a man, and even inserted a 'Husband Wanted' ad in the paper. It was quite strange really, but within a matter of hours I had tons of responses all saying the same thing, 'You Can Have Mine!'
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Revenge'
Having been married for some time now, the best piece of advice I can give you is that if ever a man comes along and tries to steal your wife the best form of revenge is to let him keep her!
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Do You Love Your Wife?'
MI5 were looking to recruit a new secret agent and have three men in for interview. The first man comes in and sits down.
"Do you love your wife?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do" replies the first man.
"Well do you love your country?" "Yes I do" replies the man.
"Which do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, of course."
"It's time to prove it then. Your wife is in the room next-door - take this gun in and kill her."
Without even entering the room, the guy looks at the man, says "I can't do it" and walks out.
The second man comes in for interview and is asked the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him the gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.The man enters the room, and all is silent. About 5 minutes later he comes back in tears saying he can't do it, puts the gun on the table and leaves.
The third guy comes in, gets the same questions and gives the same responses. With gun in hand the man enters the room and BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! followed by thuds, crashes and a host of creams. The man comes back out of the room and puts the gun on the table.
The interviewer looks at him and says, "What happened?". "You'd only gone and put blanks in the gun by mistake, so in the end I had to strangle her!"
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Money Troubles'
We were having an arguement the other week about money and I said to my wife that if only she could learn how to cook and clean we could fire the maid. As quick as a flash she said if I could learn how to make love, we could fire the gardener, chauffeur and the butler!"
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Wedding Costs'
Just after she got engaged, my daugther asked me how much it costs to get married. I told her I wasn't sure - I was still paying!
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Marriage Cheat'
The other day I asked my wife if she'd ever cheated on me and, whilst reluctant at first she eventually admitted she had on two occassions. 'When was the first?' I asked. 'Well remember when you needed that operation on holiday but we didn't have travel insurance so couldn't afford to pay? But then out of nowhere the doctor agreed to do it for free?'. "Wow - you did that for me - I am so lucky to have you. When was the other?". 'Well, remember when you wanted to become captain of the golf club and were 23 votes short?'.....
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Definition of Marriage'
Does anyone here know the definition of marriage? Well, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, and I quote, 'Marriage: The most expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.'
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Left at Airport'
A stewardess turns to a man on a plane and says, "Sorry Sir, but we appear to have left your wife behind at the airport.". "Thank goodness" says the man, "I thought I was going deaf!"
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Arranged Marriage'
A son asked his father "Is it true Dad that in Asia some men don't know their wives until they get married?". The father replies, "No son, that happens everywhere!"
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Son-In-Law'
I remember the first time I met 'X'. "So You're the man who wants to be my son-in-law?" he asked. "No" I replied. "But this is the only way I can marry your daughter!"
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'The £50 Gamble'
Before today I must admit I had three women chasing after me so I decided to set them a test to help me decide which two to ditch. I gave each of them £50 to see what they'd do with the cash. The first woman bought me a brand new designer shirt, the second bought herself some sexy lingerie for us to enjoy and the third invested it wisely and brought me back £100. I thought long and hard about what each one had done, but in the end decided to go with the one with the biggest breasts!
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Love, Lust & Marriage'
For anyone who doesn't know, here are the definitions of love, lust and marriage. Love is when you only leave the house to buy flowers and chocolates. Lust is when you only leave the house to buy some sexy lingerie. Marriage is when you only leave the house when you're allowed to.
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'Round for Dinner'
A few years ago I invited the Groom around for dinner and my wife flew off the handle. "Why have you invited him around? she said, "The dishes are dirty, there's no food in the house and you can think again if you want me to cook you both a nice meal". "Exactly" I said, "The poor guy's thinking of getting married!"
Wedding Speech Jokes : 'How Many Kids?'
The Bride's always wanted three children, the Groom just the two. Just before the wedding, the Groom decided to put his foot down and announced that after their second child he would have a vasectomy. Without a moment of hesitation the Bride replied "That's fine, I just hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
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Recommended Reading
For those of you wanting to find out more, we've a whole host of other wedding speech articles on the site packed full of expert information and inspirational ideas, not to mention our online wedding directory that's filled with toastmasters, speech writers and more.
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