WHAT TO SAY & WHAT NOT TO SAY

This article contains a comprehensive list of points you may want to include in your speech, and we’ll get to them in a moment. But first of all we think it is wise to touch on things not to mention during your ten minutes in the spotlight, so here goes. Avoid at all costs....

• Stories involving the Groom’s ex-partner.
• Risqué quips about the Stag Night (particularly if they involve the words ‘stripper’ and ‘nude’ – or even worse, ‘banana’).
• In-jokes that only a fraction of the guests will understand.
• Any criticism of the Bride.
• Insulting or offensive remarks aimed towards the Groom.
• Embarrassing story, followed by humiliating tale, followed by yet another embarrassing story – at least part of the speech should comprise sincerity or, dare we say it, praise.
• Bad language!

Now that the lecture’s over, here’s what you may want to cover:

• An introduction to who you are and how you know the Bride and Groom.

• A thanks to whoever has footed the bill for the day and a quick mention about how well it’s going and how much you are enjoying it (lie if necessary!).

• Complimentary words about the Ushers, Bridesmaids, Chief Bridesmaid, Page Boys and Flower Girls.

• The reading of messages or telegrams from guests unable to attend.

• Advice to the guests about your favourite tipple, just in case you happen to bump into them later on at the bar that evening!