A few years ago I invited the Groom around for dinner and my wife/partner flew off the handle. "Why have you invited him around? she said, "The dishes are dirty, there's no food in the house and you can think again if you want me to cook you both a nice meal". "Exactly" I said, "The poor guy's thinking of getting married!"
The other day I asked my wife if she'd ever cheated on me and, whilst reluctant at first she eventually admitted she had on two occassions. 'When was the first?' I asked. 'Well remember when you needed that operation on holiday but we didn't have travel insurance so we couldn't afford to pay? But then out of nowhere the doctor agreed to do it for free?'. "Wow - you did that for me - I am so lucky to have you. When was the other?". 'Well, remember when you wanted to become captain of the golf club and were 23 votes short?'.....
MI5 were looking to recruit a new secret agent and have three men in for interview. The first man comes in and sits down.
"Do you love your wife?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do" replies the first man. "Well do you love your country?". Again the man replies 'yes'. "Which do you love more, your wife or your country?" asks the interviewer. "My country, of course." replies the man. "It's time to prove it then. Your wife is in the room next-door - take this gun in and kill her."
Without even entering the room, the guy looks at the man, says "I can't do it" and walks out.
The second man comes in for interview and is asked the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him the gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The man enters the room, and all is silent. About 5 minutes later he comes back in tears saying he can't do it, and leaves.
The third guy comes in, gets the same questions and gives the same responses. With gun in hand the man enters the room and BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! followed by thuds, crashes and a host of screams. The man comes back out of the room and puts the gun on the table.
The interviewer looks at him and says, "What happened?". Quick as a flash, the man replies, "You'd only gone and put blanks in the gun by mistake, so in the end I had to strangle her!"
more wedding speech jokes...